Eric Benner

Well, we made it through Halloween and only a few ghosts followed us....memories, mainly.  I don't know if it is because the kids are getting older (most notably Drew), but how much difference a year makes.  Last year, Halloween brought out so many emotions, conversations, decisions, especially for Drew, but this year, well this year they are truly teens growing out of and away from the holiday.  A painful reality, but all part of this crazy growing up process.  

I used to think it felt like the kids were little just yesterday and I used to wonder how time flew by, however your death changed that.  Life, and time, is starting to pass quickly again, with milestones happening all around, but looking back....there are some things that literally seem like a lifetime ago.  I guess I thought that would change with time, but maybe when you lose someone so tragically, that will never be the case.  Never is a long, long time, so I guess I will just have to wait and see and pray I am never faced with something like this again.  It's crazy how we lost you....and I don't really mean with your death.  I just mean that the kids, your mom, your brother, my parents, your friends, your peers, your co-workers, our extended family, Michael & Mon, me....we L O S T you.  And that is so damn sad and painful and brutal.  Then it hits me, and a huge lump fills my throat..."imagine how he felt..."  Losing a loved one is almost unbearable.  Losing yourself?  Unbearable, I get.  Unliveable - I don't want to "get"....ever.  Tragic.  Horrific.  Unfair.  UNACCEPTABLE.  For us, those left to pick up the pieces, our memories are our biggest gift of your stamp on our heart.  They also contain the pain of loss, the confusion, the lack of understanding.  But, they contain Y O U.  In the only form we have left.  So, we take it....the good, the bad, the angry, the sad, the longing and missing, the long ago memories of who you once were and why your were so important.  

Wow, I digressed...this was supposed to be about Thanksgiving...your holiday.  Lost track.  It's easy to do when thinking about you.  Anyway, as we approach Thanksgiving and thoughts swirl about our new normal, our new traditions, our new menu....there is no way that you are not here, swirling about, a ghost of the past, present and future.  We will make your stuffing forevermore, bittersweet with memories of happy times and a healthy you.  (I have to go back in time, way back, to find that smile, the one that drew everyone in, the sarcastic smirk...I found it in this pic from 2007 and had to share.)  

A healthy you is what I work very hard at picturing...it isn't easy, since our more recent memories often overtake the ones from further back, but I pray it is how you are now.  I believe that you watch over our children and are proud of who they are becoming.  I pray that they always hear your voice and feel your presense...the best of you contained within them.

 

Really wanted to write a note that you have been on my mind a lot lately.  Various reasons....the kids (always), reminders, KK and I doing a suicide prevention volunteer thing...  It is hard sometimes when I think as much as I want us to "move on" and live in our new normal, I want your presence present.  I don't want to forget.  I don't want the kids to forget.  And yet, remembering hurts.  And is hard.  Dicotomies....

Today, home after a few days at my parents, your ghost has followed me back.  It is a normal part of my life, but one that is still hard.  Washington was bittersweet...amazing to see my parents, a wonderful place to show Greg, but filled with memories of our past (picture books filled with the young, happy, healthy you) and then - my last trip...our last trip...the last time Kait saw you (she reminded me of that today).  God, you were sooooo sick that trip.  It was a brutal trip, in fact.  My mom and I barely held it together seeing you like that.  It was a terrible time....ironically, then I had no idea how "terrible" times would soon become.  

Anyway, I digress...ghosts.  I don't know why, maybe it was because we always went there, but Hurricane Ridge was tough for me.  Even though I had never done this hike, that place has you everywhere.  It is where you "realized" that if you couldn't feel peace and happiness there, that maybe you would never feel it.  Last time, it was a day filled with snow, the kids, and heartache for you.  A place you had always loved simply made you feel worse.  Going back there was amazing, beautiful and fun....and everywhere I looked, I felt the past, amongst the good of the present.  

Coming home to stressed out kids, struggling to balance life, school, sports and sleep, reminds me of you.  The best of you, but the worst fears, too.  Unfair, unreasonable, but true.  THEY make up the best of both of us, but the minute they struggle with anything (and who goes through life WITHOUT struggles), I instantly think of you.  That is one unfair part of the legacy we are all left with.  You left many wonderful things, but that one....sucks.  Today, Kait and I talked about that last trip, as she was prepping to give a speech about major life events that changed the course of her life.  Once again, you are the topic.  We promised that your legacy would NOT be your death, but your life.  We fight to make sure that happens.  BUT...your death changed our lives.  Forever.  It changed who we are, what makes us tick, who we want to be, how we want to live.  Much of it for the better.  That is what I need to grasp onto, in times of deep sadness, is that I am better becuase of you.  Your Life.  Your Death.  They all contribute to who I am.  To who your beautiful, amazing, stressed, sleep-deprived kids are.  They are the BEST of us both.  I pray you watch over all of us, picking us up when needed, sending a dream hug each night once the kids are sleeping and cheering us on in our journey down here....we still need you.  Your legacy sure left that.  

Ghosts... 

As I sit here a week away from my wedding, I am often flooded with memories of "before", of my youth, which brings me to our life and our wedding.  This is normal, I know, but so surreal and weird.  Don't get me wrong, I am so incredibly blessed (as are our children) to have the benefit of this gift in our lives - so unexpected and unintended - but it is obviously something I never could have foreseen.  

"Before"....You and I committed our lives to each other, and I always believed that meant we would be old and shriveled and living out retirement together.  Naive, but hopeful, innocents were we, yet I would not have wanted it any other way.  It's weird to write here about my life now...but, as you are ever present in my life, this is now part of the reality of our story.  You are gone.  The you I knew in spirit has been gone so long now that it really does feel like I have lived two different lives.  Phyically, you have been gone shy of two years.  That seems INSANE.  It feels like years, like "forever"...  Regardless, I digress.  

I guess I haven't had the words, or maybe the courage, to write lately, because writing here about our life now feels like betrayal.  It feels like we shouldn't be happy.  It feels like when I am too happy, a little bird on my shoulder reminds me you're gone and I should stay in the place of mourning.  Yet, even though I am here, and really happy, you are with me.  You (or your voice) speak to me.  I hear your comments, your thoughts, your criticisim, your praise.  I thumb my nose at you sometimes, I laugh at you sometimes, I'm still angry (for the kids mostly) sometimes.  So, in some ways, it's like you are still present.  Bizarre, I know.  

But, given where we are today, I want you to know that you live on, and you will always be present, in our hearts.  Your voice, your memory, your thoughts....they stay with us every day.  You are loved.  You are relevant.  You MATTER.  

Thank you for whatever part you play(ed) in our healing.  Thank you for watching over us.  Thank you for loving us enough to make moving on not only acceptable, but appropriate.  In your death, and in time passing, you are becoming more "you" than you were in life the last few years.  I loved you then, I love your memory now, but mostly I thank you for everything you were, everything you gave and for loving us, no matter what.

 

Father's Day was a day that was yours....our dads' a little bit, too, but since we grew up and had our kids, it was yours.  It's interesting now.... it is still a day that is about you, but you aren't here - in the physical sense - so, it's about sort of about you, but mainly its about them (the best of you, as you used to say).  It's about checking in, making sure they are ok, setting dates with friends or loved ones or each other.  It's like today is now a day about "getting through" with the least pain.  It's almost a day of avoidance....that sounds weird because we certainly don't avoid the topic of you or the memories, but it's just a day that doesn't mean anything that it used to.  I had hoped it would be about memories, photo albums, happier times.  But, the truth is - we aren't there yet.  There isn't a timeline or script or a step-by-step manual....so, I guess we will get there when we get there.

Please don't get me wrong...we have all had a great day.  Others have made sure of that.  I have worked hard at that.  I guess that's the point.  There is so much love here....for our kids, for each other, and for you.  But, there is also loss, and the pain that goes with it, and sadness for my kids.  OUR kids.  Yet, right now, they are mine.  I'm what they have and I am working hard to live up to your beliefs about me....I'm certainly NOT perfect.  But, I am giving it my best...they deserve all of it and more.  So,  I'm learning new roles, taking new challenges and sharing our kids with this wonderful community and amazing people.  I'm learning to let others in again, and teaching them to do the same.  I hope you're watching and seeing and loving....at peace with our journey and guiding our way.