The title says it all.... Today is the first day of school for Madi and Drew, hard enough, without watching Kait pull away, back to independence, back to college. Another first...no clue why this one hits so hard. Every year, without fail, we took the first day of school picture before you went to work...another one of my silly traditions, but one that always marked the start of a new year and new adventures. The loss of summer, my favorite time of year. I am always a litlle sad today, anticipating the loss of freedom and flexibility, of late nights and sleep-in mornings...one of those things you always said MBN to. Your sarcastic phrases, so incredibiy frustrating, sometimes full of playfullness, sometimes...not so much...how ironic, that those are often foremost in my mind. I guess you know this, since I talk to you daily, sometimes in hurt, sometimes in laughter, much of the time in the anger of loss. You would think I would be over the anger by now, but I'm not, and I am okay with that, because it is really there for the kids, your mom, my parents, our friends. I moved through anger for me a long time ago (or so I tell myself). I have had so damn much time to try and work through it over the years. It's amazing how sad I can be in moments, when most of our days are truly filled with a thankfulness for this journey called life. Normal, I know...painful, none the less.
I believe you see we are all doing amazingly well...happy, healthy, active, loving...but please know, as the kids and I discuss, you have left us with a loss that is irresolvable... It is something we can never get over, nor forget. We move through it, unbelievably well most days, and will continue to do so with hard work, dedication, counseling and most importantly, loved ones. But, it has forever changed us all. It's not your fault, it just is....The mark you left on this world, in our hearts, and in the hearts of others, goes so much deeper than you would have ever believed. It has scarred us, for the better of course, because had it not, we would not have known you, but scars take a really long time to heal, and they always leave a mark.
Damn you and Thank you....opposite feelings existing in the same space. Drew taught me those feelings are perfectly normal and healthy to exist even at the exact same moment. Sad and Happy. Tears and Laughter. Past and Present. Loss and Life.
Today I will choose "thank you"... for our three beautiful children, the scars that changed me, the healing that is continuing, the love we have surrounding us, the future we are creating.
