Eric Benner

Time...such a funny thing.  That seems to be something shared amongst most, if not all, of my posts or letters, really, written here.  And yet, it is something that continues to surprise me.  This "time" of year is bringing up all kinds of emotions for me and for those that loved you, family and friends alike.  For me, remembering last year is really tough...you were so sick, so tired, so done.  I saw that, but didn't see...Even now, in death, like in life when you were so sick, I sometimes think I see you, the old you, but in a heartbeat that image is gone.  I remember feeling like that when you were alive and always being so surprised when the disease reared its ugly head, which is so ridiculous since the moments you seemed like you were so few and far between.  Recently, our counselor told me something that just hit home...it was something you tried to convey years ago (when you called me naive, which I was, by the way)....he told me that I need to quit being surprised when people act like who they are, not who I want them to be.  Now, he was referring to our beautiful, forgetful son, and helping me realize acceptance of the things Drew is not so great at allows me to appreciate all the awesome things I really admire in him.  But hearing that, and coming to understand its reality, has been another gift, for which I am so grateful.  

One problem with this is that I still don't see your death as you.  Unfortunately, the last couple years of your life weren't you, either.  I wasn't me.  I hate what depression did to you, to me, to our kids, to our family....we all became unrecognizable.  Your death was the ultimate in unbelievable.  Unfathomable.  Surreal.  At times, it still is.  

Fast forward a year, and we are all finding our niche again.  Becoming re-recognizeable, yet forever changed, hopefully for the better.  I believe we all work really hard at trying to be more loving, more appreciative, more thankful, more hopeful....  And yet, at times, I honestly feel like I have lived two lives.  Before & After.  Nothing after is the same as before....nothing.  That doesn't mean there isn't beauty or happiness or friendships, but they are different (some so much more meaningful and beloved, some can never be what they were).  But, as a result of you, I love more openly, more freely, regardless of vulnerability, with those I allow in.  I thank you for the path that got me here.  Still angry.  Still sad.  Still heartbroken over so many things.  But happy....yeah, doesn't make any sense.  But, I will take it, all of it, and continue to walk through it.  

The title says it all....  Today is the first day of school for Madi and Drew, hard enough, without watching Kait pull away, back to independence, back to college.  Another first...no clue why this one hits so hard.

Every year, without fail, we took the first day of school picture before you went to work...another one of my silly traditions, but one that always marked the start of a new year and new adventures.  The loss of summer, my favorite time of year.  I am always a litlle sad today, anticipating the loss of freedom and flexibility, of late nights and sleep-in mornings...one of those things you always said MBN to.  Your sarcastic phrases, so incredibiy frustrating, sometimes full of playfullness, sometimes...not so much...how ironic, that those are often foremost in my mind.  I guess you know this, since I talk to you daily, sometimes in hurt, sometimes in laughter, much of the time in the anger of loss.  You would think I would be over the anger by now, but I'm not, and I am okay with that, because it is really there for the kids, your mom, my parents, our friends.  I moved through anger for me a long time ago (or so I tell myself).  I have had so damn much time to try and work through it over the years.  It's amazing how sad I can be in moments, when most of our days are truly filled with a thankfulness for this journey called life.  Normal, I know...painful, none the less.

I believe you see we are all doing amazingly well...happy, healthy, active, loving...but please know, as the kids and I discuss, you have left us with a loss that is irresolvable...  It is something we can never get over, nor forget.  We move through it, unbelievably well most days, and will continue to do so with hard work, dedication, counseling and most importantly, loved ones.  But, it has forever changed us all.  It's not your fault, it just is....The mark you left on this world, in our hearts, and in the hearts of others, goes so much deeper than you would have ever believed.  It has scarred us, for the better of course, because had it not, we would not have known you, but scars take a really long time to heal, and they always leave a mark.  

Damn you and Thank you....opposite feelings existing in the same space.  Drew taught me those feelings are perfectly normal and healthy to exist even at the exact same moment.  Sad and Happy.  Tears and Laughter. Past and Present.  Loss and Life.  

Today I will choose "thank you"... for our three beautiful children, the scars that changed me, the healing that is continuing, the love we have surrounding us, the future we are creating.   

Just a note on the first Father's Day without you. . . .I saw this quote and wanted to share it because it is so true. . . . 
"When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure."  You were a wonderful son(-in-law), a wonderful loving husband and a VERY Special "FATHER" to your three children.  We will love you ....forever and always. . . .no matter what!"
Mom and Papa. 

Two more "firsts" are quickly approaching - Father's Day (yeah, that's a tough one, especially given that it is METRO'S) and what would have been our 16th wedding anniversary (on the 6th, no less).  It is just crazy...yeah, crazy. 

Madi said it best recently, to her counselor, no less...it's not fast when you are living it, it seems like forever, so you can't just say it's only been "x" months, because LIVING it is different than looking at it.  Pretty much sums it up....living it has been years for you and I and quite awhile for the kids.  I just hate that the battle was lost....to quote Drew (as I always do) "It's just not fair"...you know that better than any of us.  

I have started to look at pictures from the past, not the recent past because you don't even look like you in those, but the ones from when the kids were little and we were young...damn, I miss that laughter and smile and sarcastic wit.  You could always outwit any of us, with a glint in your eye...I hope you have that glint again.  I hope you are up there hanging with your dad, or some version of us transcended into a different space, but mainly, I just hope you have found peace.  We are finding it, little by little, though I doubt it will ever be fully achieved with regards to losing you...not your fault, but tough none the less.

As always, I want you to know, that although we are living...loving...growing...changing...you are, and always will be, ever present in our hearts, memories, prayers.  We love you through all of this...the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the memories, the laugther, the love, the huge sense of LOSS.  We do as you taught us...to LOVE through it all, no matter what. 

Happy 40th birthday Daddy.  Wish you were here to celebrate it with all the people that love you and miss you more than you even know.  I just looked at the cake you had me make for moms 40th.... so much joy and laughter over that toilet cake.  

I love you so much. 

Always, no matter what.