Eric Benner

Father's Day was a day that was yours....our dads' a little bit, too, but since we grew up and had our kids, it was yours.  It's interesting now.... it is still a day that is about you, but you aren't here - in the physical sense - so, it's about sort of about you, but mainly its about them (the best of you, as you used to say).  It's about checking in, making sure they are ok, setting dates with friends or loved ones or each other.  It's like today is now a day about "getting through" with the least pain.  It's almost a day of avoidance....that sounds weird because we certainly don't avoid the topic of you or the memories, but it's just a day that doesn't mean anything that it used to.  I had hoped it would be about memories, photo albums, happier times.  But, the truth is - we aren't there yet.  There isn't a timeline or script or a step-by-step manual....so, I guess we will get there when we get there.

Please don't get me wrong...we have all had a great day.  Others have made sure of that.  I have worked hard at that.  I guess that's the point.  There is so much love here....for our kids, for each other, and for you.  But, there is also loss, and the pain that goes with it, and sadness for my kids.  OUR kids.  Yet, right now, they are mine.  I'm what they have and I am working hard to live up to your beliefs about me....I'm certainly NOT perfect.  But, I am giving it my best...they deserve all of it and more.  So,  I'm learning new roles, taking new challenges and sharing our kids with this wonderful community and amazing people.  I'm learning to let others in again, and teaching them to do the same.  I hope you're watching and seeing and loving....at peace with our journey and guiding our way.  

 

Last night was one of those nights...I was overtired, with a headache, and super frustrated becuase I was done, but my work, the most important work of my life, the work of being a parent, wasn't.  I had made decisions that allowed for flexibility in the day, but homework commanded late night awake-time.  I had nothing left, but I had allowed the flexibility that got us there.  Laying in bed, feeling like I should be somewhere else, taking responsibility for the tired kid downstairs, I just wished I could hand it to you.  Or my mom.  Or Kait.  Or anyone, to be honest.  Then, I was pissed and tired and tear-filled because you were supposed to be here to take over in moments like this.  You used to be.  

It took several hours of tossing and turning, before my pity-party moved towards the realization that I am the one here and it is  my job to be the best I can be.  Last night, I gave all that I had;  it may not have been as much as I wanted, but I was here, just in a different room, still engaged, still awake, still present.  I really do thank God that I am healthy enough to be all of those things and to really thankful and happy for most of it.  I sometimes forget that sometimes accepting good, but not great, is so much better than the way your disease made you feel.  It was then that I realized it would not matter if you were "here", because "you" hadn't been "here" for a long time.  It is still so hard sometimes to realize that you being gone is more real than you being here and not being you.  

So, forgive the pity party.  Allow the fact that I still just wish my kids had their hero back.  Help me to remember that I can't always do everything for them, even if I want to.  I don't own their success, so help me stop owning their failures.  It is the process of life that makes them who they are to become, and quite frankly, we have three really amazing, inspiring, beautiful, strong kids.

We are all flawed, which makes us human.  As Pastor Mary Lynn once told me when I expressed how much I wished things could have been different, when I inquired about not being "perfect"....she said I was how God make us "perfectly human, perfectly flawed".  I use that phrase a lot these days and I thank her more than she will ever know for giving me that perspective.  

 

Peace be with you. . . .remembering you as always.    Good times- - - sad times.
Miss you forever.  So glad you were our son even for so short a time.

Hugs

Eric,
 
 Happy birthday Eric. You are so missed by so many. You had no clue how much you were loved by so many. Miss and love you.

Not that you ever really cared about birthdays, but WE all did, so in honor of your memory, your life, your footprint on our heart that still brings me to tears, I hope and pray you are at peace. "Happy Birthday" is ridiculous;  trite, frustrating, filled with mockery.  I don't know what to say, what to type, other than I am some wierd combination of mad and sad that our kids are missing another day with a you that was stolen far too soon.  NOT the correct feelings for a birthday note, but darn if they aren't real.  Anyways, you are in my thoughts, my heart, my prayers on this day, and all others, as we navigate on living, loving, breathing, dreaming, and most of all believing in health and happiness and all that comes with this thing called Life.  In your memory and your honor on this day of your birth, may God bless each of us with a special gift of peace in our hearts over your loss.