Eric Benner

I had a feeling, upon receiving a text this morning, that things were going to be different with Tufts this time around. I just felt calm about the process.  Who could have known that within six hours I would have signed paperwork to make our dream home theirs.  There are many uncanny things about this family, they have two girls and a boy, we went to preschool with the wife's sister's son, the wife walked in and instantly knew....but mostly, that they want to move there and create the life we wanted.  The one we dreamed of back then. I hope they get it all.  Every bit.  I want them to live there and love it and take over what we started.  The fact that all of this happened on the 6th (thank you Lori for putting the date to my words) just makes me feel assured that you are ready, too.  Many (if not most) will say...coincidence, but I don't really believe in them anymore, so I will take a little comfort that you had a hand in this.  So, thank you.  

Oh Eric, it's nights like these where I miss you more than ever. It usually goes from me wishing I had my dad back so i could just call him up and just vent to him, then my mind goes to thinking about you. It's crazy how much pain something can bring you, but hey, that's life. But anyways, with high school ball starting and summer coming, I finally have my regrets of deciding to quit softball but i feel like I screwed myself over so I wont start back up again..I feel like your passing was so long ago but it really wasn't..it feels more like 5 years than 1 year 3 months. I dont really know what I'm tryhing to say in this, I'm just all over the place haha, but I feel the need to write something on here so you know I still think about you. I miss you more than ever..

On Saturday, running around for high school softball, out of nowhere, I had some Eric-moments, by myself, in the car, without a song to prompt them or someone who inquired...It's the normal, everyday, moments that surprise now.  The moments when I am hit by the monumental whirlwind that has been the past few years, but painfully reminded just how long is has been since I have seen you...the you that slipped away, before you actually left. 

It doesn't really matter how things are going here, because they are going so much better than I could have ever believed, but I guess the hard part is that isn't really the point.  The point is you didn't get to be here to see it....the unfairness of that...ugh.           I hear the logical, Eric-voice in my head that says this is exactly the point, that you didn't believe being here would allow the rest of us to be where we are.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  I just know that these moments that hit so fast and hard are a constant reminder of all that was lost.  As quickly as they come, the blow through and leave, for which I am extremely grateful.  Again, I hear you tell me that yours came on as quickly as mine do; they just never left.  I can't imagine.  I don't want to.  But, I still can't understand.  Thus, the difficulty.

Your mom came and watched softball and hung out. It was miserably cold and windy, but she was there, watching and supporting and being grandma.  I'd say she is doing better, but can she ever really?  Could I, if in her shoes?  The loss of you for her...unbearable.  Could you have handled losing one of ours?  I couldn't.  I literally gag even thinking of it.  

Anyways, I am rambling, awash in emotion.  Time to dry the tears, change the laundry, go about my day.  I am lucky to be able to do so.  Thank you for teaching me gratitude for something most of us take for granted.  Moving through...Living on.

Wen

 

I guess it's a good thing you instituted the "love you always, no matter what" policy, because when I am at a loss with what to do over our kids and their struggles or our friends and their pain, I get mad at you.  Not really at you, but kind of.  I hate your disease.  Hate its guts.  I hate that it stole you and robbed all of us in the process.  I hate that moving on is such a gift, but a constant reminder.  I wish you were here for me to smack.  And maybe hug.  So, right now, I am really mad at you.  I think some others share that.  But, no matter what, we will all always love you.  

Well, we made it through the year.....#1.....and I am sure we will continue to count them; we are all doing
well, in different ways.  Wendy is her old self and laughs and is happy.  The kids are too.  Funny, laughing
goofing around. We see the light in their eyes and the smiles on their faces...so we are good.  We all still
miss so much about you, the Eric we loved and cared about.  BUT...Life goes on and we are all moving
with it. 

Christmas was good this year. . . .just a few gifts, not as crazy as before. . . .STOP laughing---I know you
are!  Yes, it was as crazy as ever.  Just wanted to say - - - - we miss you, but love you no matter what. . .
ALWAYS.