| Wendy Benner | Place of Refuge | March 29, 2012 |
| Wendy Benner | Kona... | March 24, 2012 |
We are here, in Kona, on Ali'i Drive, a place I remember so well from all those years at the Draeger condo. We have driven or walked past so many of the places you and I visited, took the kids, stopped and ate, swam... The kids, with the Benedetti's, explored the surf and looked at the fish and played...all things you loved for most of your life.
It is weird...my mom and I walked the streets at dark this morning, going to our old standard places, and yet, every memory felt so far away...everything feels so long ago. And of course, it was....Drew was only a toddler the last time we visited here simply for fun...you were still you back then. When we came here to put your dad's ashes at the same place we will place yours later today, a part of you was grieving, a part of you was lost....so, those memories aren't as vibrant as all the ones before. Time...it is a crazy thing. Michael and I were talking yesterday about how it seems like years since you left us physically...it has been years since a part of you left us emotionally. A big part. That realization is ever-present; we look at photos or share memories and realize just how long it has been since you were you.
Today is a big day...it will be filled with so much love and laughter, but it will be hard. We have been working on healing and releasing our feelings. Well, today, we release your physical remains to the place you loved the most...our beautiful ocean, filled with all the amazing sea creatures you were obsessed with. I remember how many hours you spent in this place, looking at the coral, the turtles, pointing out all the fish over and over and over...how you loved it so. I remember....
It is often the remembering that is the hardest...where did you go? That is who we all miss so damn much. The you we lost so long ago, the one we tried to force back, the one we resented losing, the one we just wanted back... Well, time, it helps. Our knowledge of what and when we lost you...well, it sucks ass (yep, my favorite line), but it also gives perspective. It helps us realize why healing is happening "so quickly"...because we have been hurting for so darn long. We are mourning the loss of your physical presence, but the loss of you...well, we have been mourning that quite a long while.
Most important, E, is how proud you would be of our kids. They are simply amazing. Total pain in the butts, at times, but amazing. Kait is here ever-mothering, caring, kind-hearted, beautiful self. She is generous in spirit, cranky when she is tired (we know where she gets that) and growing into an amazing WOMAN. Moo is, well, back to being moo. She is smart and funny and hilarious and finally allows others to see it. Her personality is back and damn, she is the tallest of the girls in our family now. Drew is still Drew, but frankly, is the one most screwed by your loss. And yet, he is so in tune with where he is at, he teaches me things every week about emotions, sharing feelings and life. He is becoming a little teenager, complete with the teenage lack of sensorship and mouth, but is amazing to watch grow. He is still his gorgeous self, inside and out.
We are learning and laughing and loving...we have been blessed with wonderful family and friends and people who love us. I know you are there, watching over and being proud. I am living...the way you wanted, the way you couldn't, and I am cherishing those put in my life to help me do so. I thank you for loving us enough to help us find a path without you...for watching over us and for releasing us to live and love freely.
Today, we let a little more of you go, but we LOVE you always and carry you with us, in our hearts, minds and memories....
| Pat Gromer | Time to write what my heart feels | March 23, 2012 |
Eric,It has taken me a while to write this so that I could write it with as little tears as possible.
Your incredible family is in Hawaii right now taking your ashes to their final destination. A piece of my
heart is there with them, loving them & hugging them tight through this.
I was very, very angry with you Eric. Angry that you thought so little of yourself and so little of those
of us who loved you that you would do this to us, to your family who loved you with every part of
their being. I yelled at you A LOT that day. Wendy & I did a lot of talking before this happpened & it
was hard for me to understand what was happening to you, the darkness & the despair you lived with
daily. As I look back on pictures taken just the days before you left us physically you had already left us,
there was an emptiness in your eyes and the dark circles around your eyes. When I saw you Thursday
& Friday nights you were quieter than usual and I figured you were just tired from the driving for work. If I had, had any clue I would have hugged you longer & told you how very special you are to me & how much I adore you.
About 2 months after your death I realized actually what the source of my anger was. You see my life
and much of the hell I went through as a child was the result of a Mother who at the age of 13 found
her father after he committed suicide. That scarred my mother for the rest of her life. In 1931 you
didn't get help, you didn't talk about it, you just survived. My mothers way of surviving was being
drunk every Sunday and at Christmas time. He did this the Sunday before Christmas. With all the pain
she was carrying inside she was a mean & angry drunk. For my entire life I have believed that suicide
is a very, very selfish act. Having now lived through this & the suicide of a few other friends, my opinion
has begin to change. It really has nothing to do with selfishness. It is a desperation to make the
torment deep inside you stop. I hope it is a darkness I am lucky enough to never experience.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving your family enough to not have them experience something
like my Mother did. The pain of your loss was more than enough to bear for them. I have forgiven
you Eric. Does that make the pain of your loss easier? No it just makes...not even sure how to finish
this sentence. It just does.
As you know you have an awesome family who will do awesome things.
Kaitlyn, Madi and Drew will all do wonderful things with their lives. Wendy, well you know she is one
of the most resilient, strong, loving woman & her life will be happy & healthy. We love you Eric and
miss you everyday.
| Kaitlyn Grim | i miss you | March 1, 2012 |
“A Dad; brings strength and stability to the family and a feeling of security to life… he gives you a sense of values and self-worth and a foundation of love to last a lifetime. For your guidance and trust and your solid advice, for your labors of love and for each sacrifice, and for giving it all, Dad, without thinking twice, you’re loved and admired so much.” This was written on the Valentines Day card I accidentally bought you the other week. I read it and without thinking twice tossed it in the cart because it fit so perfectly, and it wasn’t until I got back to my room and read it again that I realized I wouldn’t be giving you a card this valentines day, or the next, or any to come. If only your disease had allowed you to believe those last words in the card. If only your constant sacrifice’s for our family didn’t suffice in your final action to “take care of us.” You truly were loved and admired so much, and not jut by your family but by those who were fortunate to be a part of your life. Words cannot express how much I miss you or how much I wish you were here, back in all of our lives.
You have always been an amazing father to me and never once made me feel like I wasn’t your true daughter. Your brilliance, compassion, and dedication to anything and everything you set your mind to, was inspiring and so influential. There isn’t one thing that I miss most about you - there are just a million things I miss each and everyday. There are so many things we didn’t get to do together, so many things I wished and hoped you would be here to experience in our lives. I wanted you to be there when we all got married - to walk Madi and I down the aisle – and to be there to support us through each and every decision we made. I wanted you to be there when I have children of my own; they will never get to know the amazing grandfather you would have been, and the amazing human being you were to all around you.
You will never be remembered by your passing or last action here on earth. You will endlessly be remembered by your love, support, sarcasm, never-ending care, and dedication. It will be the actions that lead to your death that will forever be engraved in my heart and on the hearts of many others. Your last words to the four of us ensured that we knew you loved us - always did and always will. It’s the little things that mean the most; that reminds me, but also reinsures me that you’re still here. I don’t think I will ever be able to get the hiccups and not recollect on the torturous tickle fights the led me to them and you to victory. Your “hiccupamus” title was one you thrived on and never let me forget, and it will never be forgotten. Your natural ability to make me laugh in the most irritating of situations (even with my stubborn attitude) was something I admired and loved so much about you. You always knew exactly what buttons to push to make any of us smile, even when we tried our hardest not too.
Always dedicated to everything you started or put your heart into from the fish tanks, to your job, and especially to our family. The gap between your teeth when you smiled or used it to squirt water at us in the pool. The hours upon hours on the softball field helping all of us girls. Your genius abilities at work or helping us kids in school. There are so many millions of things that I miss about you; it is impossible for me to just name one.
If I have one goal for myself for the rest of my life it would be to continue on the right path and please you. I want to make you proud, I always have and I will continue for the rest of my life to work hard in making the right decisions that you would be proud of me for. I know you are so proud of Madi, Drew, Mom and I and our ability to start a new life. Not by any means a life we would have ever chosen for ourselves, but definitely one you would be proud of. The new people in our lives - or even the old ones who have become even more important to us - have been so supportive, helpful, caring, and brought forth so much new love.
There is so much more I could say, and so much more that should be said. I could write for years but all the words in the world still wouldn’t add up to how important and special you are to me, or to how much I miss you. I love you so much and you will always be in my heart and on my mind. I will wear this ring around my neck for the rest of my life – a small but incredibly special reminder that you are always here and I can always hold onto you. I am happy that you are finally at peace and aren’t fighting against your own happiness everyday, but there isn’t a moment that goes by that I don’t wish you were still here and could have happiness with us. I love you always, no matter what.
| Wendy Benner | happy memories | February 22, 2012 |
It is a brutal part of living; we all have to figure out the path of walking this life, while you are at peace in another. In actuality, peace is all I have wanted for you for so long, it is hard to remember when you last felt it...we were on the same path, but your disease robbed you of seeing and feeling all the beauty around you... I pray you see it and feel it and know it now.
Time...it is a gift that often doesn't come quickly enough. Time passing doesn't answer the questions of life, but it does allow for some healing and some hurting and some tears, well, a lot of tears, but the crazy thing is that we are also finding that time is allowing us some pretty great memories.
I know how much you suffered these past few years...I watched the never-ending torture your mind endured. I also know that I lost "my" Eric a few years back...I know how sad it made you to only let me see the man I married when we were out with others and the facade kicked in and the man I knew emerged, even if only briefly, for a bit. I miss that man. I love that man and I always will. I pray every day that that man is watching over us, at peace, loving every bit of how we are living, breathing, laughing, crying, growing, changing....I know it's what you needed, in the end.
Looking forward, to our trip to Hawaii, the place you loved most on earth, brings about a sense of finality....and hopefully the breath of many new beginnings. We want to physically put you at the place we shared so many amazing memories, the place you found so much love and peace and amazement and wonder, the place where you were always "you". I cannot wait to remind the kids of the special place from family photos and to share with the Benedetti's your "Place of Refuge"... To have Michael and Mon there, with our kids, to physically release you...well, I hope that releases us, a bit, too.
You believed that I would somehow make this ok...that I would live and laugh and love AND teach our kids to do the same. Well, I am working on it...with amazing friends and family and loved ones. I know each person that comes into my life is there now because of you...and I trust in your words that you love us ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT.