Eric Benner

Here we are three months out and in some crazy way it feels like you have been gone for years;  in truth, I guess you have... 

It is a brutal part of living; we all have to figure out the path of walking this life, while you are at peace in another.  In actuality, peace is all I have wanted for you for so long, it is hard to remember when you last felt it...we were on the same path, but your disease robbed you of seeing and feeling all the beauty around you...  I pray you see it and feel it and know it now.

Time...it is a gift that often doesn't come quickly enough.  Time passing doesn't answer the questions of life, but it does allow for some healing and some hurting and some tears, well, a lot of tears, but the crazy thing is that we are also finding that time is allowing us some pretty great memories. 

I know how much you suffered these past few years...I watched the never-ending torture your mind endured.  I also know that I lost "my" Eric a few years back...I know how sad it made you to only let me see the man I married when we were out with others and the facade kicked in and the man I knew emerged, even if only briefly, for a bit.  I miss that man.  I love that man and I always will.  I pray every day that that man is watching over us, at peace, loving every bit of how we are living, breathing, laughing, crying, growing, changing....I know it's what you needed, in the end. 

Looking forward, to our trip to Hawaii, the place you loved most on earth, brings about a sense of finality....and hopefully the breath of many new beginnings.  We want to physically put you at the place we shared so many amazing memories, the place you found so much love and peace and amazement and wonder, the place where you were always "you".  I cannot wait to remind the kids of the special place from family photos and to share with the Benedetti's your "Place of Refuge"...  To have Michael and Mon there, with our kids, to physically release you...well, I hope that releases us, a bit, too. 

You believed that I would somehow make this ok...that I would live and laugh and love AND teach our kids to do the same.  Well, I am working on it...with amazing friends and family and loved ones.  I know each person that comes into my life is there now because of you...and I trust in your words that you love us ALWAYS, NO MATTER WHAT.

Dear Eric,
 Oh my wonderful coach, you were one of a kind. You were always joking around, smiling, and laughing. I would have never of guessed that you were going through depression, you were one great actor! I'm going to miss you standing at third giving me the signs, you making fun of me and most of all your beautiful smile. Your passing has made me realize what my dad had gone through and why he chose to take his life. It will be going on 9 years this year since he's been gone and i miss him more then anything! He left me with great and unforgetable memories, just like you left me with. Thank you so much for giving me the awesome memories before you left. I will never forget all the memories we've had together and the memories we had with the team. Your smile will never be forgotten, your humor will never be forgotten and your way of making the team laugh when we're down will absolutley never be forgotten. I will never forget you, you were one awesome man. Thank you so much Coach Eric for teaching me how to play the game I love, it means so much to me i can't even describe it. I love you Eric, forever and always.

When our son, Matthew, came home from a new school in 4^th grade saying he had made a new friend, Drew Benner, I was happy for him.  Matthew and Drew seemed to be two peas in a pod.  They agreed on most things, got each other’s jokes, both liked singing, soccer, being hams, etc. 

What I didn’t realize right away, was that Matthew didn’t just get a new friend in Drew.  Getting to know Drew meant getting to know the entire Benner family.  Wendy included me with her friends, and shared with me her invaluable knowledge about teachers, schools, etc (having been through everything with Kaitlyn and Madi).  Soon, Kaitlyn considered herself Matthew’s big sister, too.  She enjoyed driving Matthew and Drew home from school, and counseling them about life over slurpies every week.  Eric was at all the kids’ school events, soccer games, talent shows, and musicals.  He was a great photographer and documented everything.  He also was always willing to drive, and wait around for the kids, whether at choir practice or at our house picking up Drew from a sleepover.  And, he was always joking around.  That’s one of the things I remember most about him, his sense of humor and great smile.  He was so dedicated to his family, and it was obvious to me how much he loved them.  And, it was obvious how much they were loved, because of how giving they were.  Basically, the Benner family became like family to us. 

When our youngest son, Luke, got very sick, the Benner family was a godsend.  They adopted Matthew as if he was their own for days on end while Luke was in the ICU.  When Matthew was with them, they were concerned not just for his physical wellbeing, but also his emotional stress about his brother.  Drew was the best friend anyone could ask for, texting me (during school!) to ask for pictures of Luke to help Matthew feel better.

We couldn’t have been more fortunate that Matthew and Drew were in the same class that year and became friends.  It was an honor to know Eric.  He will be greatly missed, and we will always be here to support and love Drew and the Benner family in any way we can.

Dear Eric -

There has been many times over this past month, I have thought about the many nights and weekends, we all had spent together as a close softball family.  Remembering that smile, humor, and charm you always portrayed, now knowing the real depth of your pain.  What a fabulous actor you were!  Your passing has rocked me to my core, more than I ever thought it would.  Yes, death happens, but I never in my wildest dreams, looking in from the outside, did this ever cross my mind.  I lived with a man for many years who dealt with depression and  self-medicated himself.  In the end, it was too much for him too.  In July, it will be 9 years.  It's been tough, especially for my children, who to this day, still deal with the affects of his suicide. 

For a better part of the last 8 years, I would still get angry at him for taking his life and watching my kids deal with their emotions.  Forgiveness was not an option I would have thought would cross my heart.  Although, foregiveness, is a gift, I just never would of wanted it to happen in this way.  Eric, I know you were very private about this part of your daily life, and I see how much Wendy and the kids love you and in the end, how much you love them.   This made me realize that this can happen to anyone.  My kids dad, was no different from you, dealing with the mental illness and the affects it has on one's mind.  He did love his children and thought that this would be the best for them too.  Although, as your friend Michael said, I disagree too.  However, back to my point, I have felt my heart soften and for the first time, allowed myself to forgive the man my kids call, Dad. He was in a lot of pain, too. 

It will be hard to sit through weekends of softball, and not see you standing on the 3rd baseline, giving your signs, and coaching the girls.  Hear you praising them, for whatever it was that they did or didn't do, while flipping your counter between your fingers, or giving that sign (that I always thought meant HIT the ball to right field, but when asking Jordan, she said it didn't mean anything).  You will be missed, Eric, in more ways than one.

As my daughter said when finding out about your passing, "Mom, he always had a smile on his face", and how ironic it is knowing, what was behind that smile all this time.  Even though, Eric, thank for you that smile, it is one we will never forget!  May you rest in peace and know, your family is loved by many. 

So, as much as you thought facebook was silly, once again you were the subject of my post, as well as Madi & Drew's.  After eating at the Benedetti's (pulled pork, which Michael made in your honor), we drove home in the crazy wind, rain and dark of night.  My mom called and pulled out tearful emotions out of each of us in the car, which was probably necessary and likely needed.  It gives me odd comfort when I see the kids laugh or cry at something of "you";  I guess it helps me believe that they are learning to emote a little more from me, which ultimately I beleive will help them not compartmentalize so much.  Anyway, so, after crying together and hanging up with mom, Madi turns on the radio to change the mood... ha!  The first song blaring from Sirius was "Over You" by Nickleback, which we all decided needed to be quickly changed, so we hit Sirius 1 only to get "Without You" by David Guerta & Usher.  Madi could not have hit the Sirius 59 button fast enough, thinking surely country would be fine, but alas, Jimmy Buffet comes blaring out.  This literally made us laugh, despite our tears, because of the irony.  I hit the off button, as I said to the kids, that surely you had to have something to do with this.  Madi, going to turn the music back on, says "With our luck, the next station will have Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw" and sure as $#&%, back to Sirius 10 and that comes on.  With that, we gave up, turned off the station and "cryaphed" or "lauried", as you would have said.  Crying, mixed with laughter, is better than crying without....  You are missed more than you could ever fathom, maybe more than we knew possible.  I hope you are up there, with your dad, hanging out and looking down.  If so, a little bit of fast-forward might be nice....this just sucks.  As it should.