Eric Benner

It is after a Suicide Prevention Board Meeting and I am working on an insane power point in preparation for a DT this week and I cozy in pj's after a hard spin class and drinking wine.  So, there is absolutely no reason for me not to be powering through this damn work project.  There is no triggering memory, like the amazing history of photos I looked through, as I always do, when an mama & papa's.  There is just a pink sunset and a little bubble of loss and tears and then some chastizing of myself for the "why?".  We are a lifetime apart.  You may have only been gone a bit shy of 9 years, but damn that is a huge chunk of this lifetime.  You were my boyfriend/fiance/husband for over 17 years, which was almost half our life when you left.  I guess it is normal for you to float in and out of my mind.  For me to remember....not just the good, but ALL of it.  You are somehow still bigger than it all.  You live on in our kids.  In our memories.  In your legacy and in "infamy". 

 

I wonder if we would recognize each other today.  What I know is that you will always simply be EHB to me.  Knowing you, loving you and sharing this life with you, for as limited as it was, mattered.  Thank you. 

 

-Wen

E,

 

Thank you for your legacy.  Personally and professionally.  Thank you for being the man that created a family for our three children.  The man, the expert, the coach, the friend, the father, the son, the husband....the know it all, the pain in the ass, the one who was almost (key word - ALMOST) always right.  Thank you for those you mentored.  For those you coached.  For those you loved.  Thank you for teaching me so much more than I ever wanted to learn, or hear about, in what was YOUR world and is now mine.  Thank you for still being the BEST...the one noone can compete with as an expert.  Thank you for changing the course of CD history with that $0 verdict.  Thank you for introducing me to the men at Westcon 15 years before I ever got to know them.  Thank you for Bill, for Regan, for the CD world that has become my comfort and my career.  Who would have imagined....not either of us, that is for sure.  Thank you for who you were....for as long as you could be.

 

I don't know who you would be today, who we would be, what our careers would look like.  I do know that I have never regretted a minute of loving you.  I regret the illness, the thoughts, the confusion, the hurt and I wished it didn't decimate the world as we knew it.  Since you got sick, I have other regrets (which are truly a waste of time and energy, yet still exist)....but I never could ever regret loving you.  I love you differently now, from afar, in another state....maybe more deeply, yet less passsionately or actively.  Maybe more valuably.  Maybe it is just that I have learned to appreciate the man you were and the love you gave to so many.  Either way, I love that you were ours and so wish our children had you still. 

 

As Father's Day approaches, you are in my thoughts more than you have been in years.  There are so many reasons for this, but mainly, it is because after we lost you, I should have known there was never anyone who could live up to the legacy.  Hell, even I can't.  And - that is ok.  You were the man, totally mortal and imperfect, but pretty damn amazing.  Now, you are immortalized as the legend, in our industry and in our memory.  Sometimes, it is sooooo annoying (smiling as I type that) and other times it is just difficult.  Always, it is a bit beautiful.

 

You are forever missed, E, and loved in many different ways.

 

Happy Early Father's Day. 

E...

 

It has been such a long time since I have written.  I have said that a lot over the last few years.  Part of it has been time passing, kids growing, distance from you, changing seasons....but that is truly just a small part.  The greater truth sits in the negative space of "shame", which has definitely been self-imposed judgement and sitting in disbelief and disapointment, but trut, none the less.  That said, over the last year I have come to know myself better than ever before.  I have changed, ever so slightly to those that don't know me well, but absolutely noticable to those that are truly in my life and my heart.  Ironically, I think you might be most proud of that....my circle is so much smaller, yet so much more meaningful.  I care immensely about moving forward doing what I believe in, regardless of "appearances" or "popularity".  I am more in touch with those closest to me, and, maybe more importantly, with myself, than ever before and I am absolutely much more ok being isolated, as it is now a social norm (unfortunately due to a devestating last several years, a painful, necessary divorce and a major pandemic known as COVID-19).  T'verust me, I am as surprised as anyone, yet finding these photos of our college engagment trip and seeing the youth of who we were has made me appreciate just how far I've come.  I certainly wish you were here to see it, but would you even recognize me?  I think that is an interesting questiion, as I doubt I would be the person I am today if you never got sick and I think I am ok with that altered version too, as this version (which I am damn proud of) is only here as a result of pain, loss, grief and freaking resiliance, choice and determination. 

 

Per usual, I digressed.  I just want you to know a few things.

1) I miss your youth.  Wit.  Sarcasm.  Brilliance.  Attitude.  The man, professional, expert, colleage.  The son, father, husband.  The "before".

2) I am thankful for you.  For our children.  For your knowledge, influence, legacy.  For the pain, the confusion, the understanding and the community I have gained with those of us touched by a loss like yours.

3) I am BACK....battered, broken, scarred AND stronger than ever before.  Proud of what it took to get me here, despite living with the shame that accompanied everything else. MY shame...not deserved, but it took me a long ass time to let that $&*# go.

4) I am happy.  Healthy.  ENOUGH....just as I am.  I have chosen to accept that and have surrounded myself with those that love all of me and that includes the imperfections and the acknowledgement that while imperfect, I give everything I have, and when that is not enough, I give more. Until.  See....there is now an "until".  "Until" it is unacceptable.  Damaging.  Unhealthy.  No one deserves that and no one is worth that.  You knew that 20 years ago....it took me far longer. 

5) I am committed.  To this site.  To suicide influence.  To change.  To the belief that we can prevent LOSS like this. To you, your memory, your life.  Still.   

6) Our kids - adult children - are amazing.  They, along with my parents, and a few cherished chosen family kept me going these past couple of years.  They are unbelievably amazing.  Each of them different, yet each one so damn special, I can't believe it. 

 

Anyway, felt like I owe'd you, and the site, an explanation.  While I could put so much more out there, this is all I am willing to share and all that matters. 

 

Life is a brutal journey sometimes, but damn it is worth living.  I wish you could have found that in your illness.  I pray you are at peace watching it all now, with the analytical face you have in the picture I attached.  I hope I make you proud and keep you guessing still.

 

RIP EHB 

 

Love always,

 

Wen