We had three children, who have grown into three young adults. Three of the most amazing individuals I have ever had the benefit of knowing, yet alone growing alongside. Each one, so very different, so uniquely special, so inspiring, in their own right. I look at them and am often amazed at the grace this life has bestowed on me, as their mom. I love them so damn much my heart explodes. And, sometimes, in moments like these, I am just alone, in a private bubble, of "what ifs"...I used to have those for myself, then, for all of us, and now, usually, it is just, solely for them. Usually, it is for one of them, at a significant time in their life like a big accomplishment, or in moments of difficulty. Tonight, as I sit here, listening to music you would still hate (which somehow makes my smile and chuckle through the sadness and tears), I just wish you were here to help in the moments. I have worked so damn hard to be the best parent I can be; sometimes I have been a damn rockstar and other times, not so much. I don't think I could have loved them more...hell, I love them enough for both of us, and yet, on days like these, I just miss having you to bounce things off of, even if I likely would disagree with your approach or ideology. Idiotic, and true. Damn, E, it has been over 10 years. You would think that I would get over writing to a ghost, and yet, here I am. So much has changed, and so much still hovers, just above the surface. You may have had no idea of the footprints you would leave on this earth, and you definitely missed the mark on the footprint scars on so many hearts.
Just needed to let you know that I could use a rainbow cloud right now...and so could your son.
Always. No Matter What.
