Eric Benner

EHB.....

You have been in my thoughts a lot lately, not that I have put pen to paper or text to this site.  Recently, my mom told me I had memorialized you with hero status.  Interesting take, since I certainly never meant to, and yet, it seems I did.  And....you know what, I am ok with that.  

What I can never be ok with is making what happened to you heroic.  You were ill.  You were stubborn.  You did not sleep.  You became someone else.  You were then sick.  Depressed, though you always said you had nothing to “be depressed” over.  But, undiagnosed sickness, coupled with insomnia, is more than enough.  And, damn you were stubborn.  And that is NOT heroic, either.  Yeah, I am a bit stubborn, too.  

Regardless, I clearly digressed.  

This damn journey called life is confusing. Filled with ups and downs would be an understatement.  I wish you could see our kids.  I may be walking through some pretty rough terrain, but damn....they are AWESOME.  Each one of them.  Truly amazing people.  Absolutely, they are the best things we ever could have done and I am so blessed to deal with their highs and lows.  Their loving kindness and their snarky attitudes.  I love being their heart, their conscience when they need it and I am even thankful to be here to be their punching bag (though it hurts like hell sometimes).  THEY make this all better.

Anyways, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I cannot listen to this song without tears, reflection and, somehow, hope.

RIP EHB.....always, no matter what!


 

E, 

This is a raw, painful, honest message.  To many, it will likely seem implausible or insensitive, maybe even hurtful. To me, and to the you I imagine, it is a logical tribute to a past I can barely FEEL anymore, yet can never forget, nor think about. So, here goes...

As I sat here this morning working, I stopped for a moment to finalize Madi’s Graduation Page (which is crazy enough, at present), and started to pull out old photo albums of our family.  Once again, my head or heart goes to ”Before”.  I looked so intently at the photos, willing some feelings to come across.  Willing an active sense of loss.  Yet, in truth, all that sat there was a void of emotions.  This void felt very unfair, as if somehow I am not honoring you, your life, your love, the essence of who you were, who we were and our family.  I got a little resentful, honestly, at the lack of emotion I believed should have been present.  I kind of equated it to looking at a yearbook, from long ago, where memories fade and faces blur.  When I turned the page away from the five of us, and then stared at our beautiful children, in their angelic little innocence, the feelings and emotions and pride and love flooded in.  The void of what I wanted to feel, or thought I should feel, was immediately overflowing, and the tears shed as if an internal faucet flowed.  In that moment, I came to the realization that active feelings are often tied to the living embodiment that is present.  And, having lost you in what feels like a lifetime ago, it is IN our children that  I FEEL YOU.  The impact, the wit, the sarcasm, the gestures, the features, the memories, but mostly, the LOVE.  I am so sad that you do not get to see them grow up.  I am sad for them at not seeing you grow older, the healthy version so long ago lost.  I realize that somewhere deep down I freaking miss that sarcastic, aloof, smug, brilliant, witty man.  I loved him like crazy.  I love his memory.  I love the amazing gifts he gave me in the form of Kaitlyn, Madi & Drew.  I hate the disease, but love the man who had it. 

And, while the daily feeling of actively loving you is not bubbling under the surface instinctively anymore, the effort of remembering the time when it was conjurs up not only what we once shared, but what is still there, forever in my heart, in the space that will always be yours.  We have moved on, it is certainly nothing close to what was once our imagined “destiny”, nor does it resemble perfection or ease, BUT it is ours.  We live.  We laugh.  We cry.  We talk.  We process.  We LOVE.

Foreverin our hearts, even when deeply buried.  Always, No Matter What.

Wen 

I sit down to type, on the eve of a timeline that doesn't really make sense, in an effort to emote.  Once again, I have been away too long, have too much to say and random thoughts are jumbled together.  How can what feels like eternity ONLY be seven years?  I have no explanation.  Nor, if looking at the past, does the present completely make sense.  On one hand, our beautiful, amazing, badass little humans are not so little anymore.  They have changed immensly in the past seven years.  And yet....that is the issue, there is still an "and yet".  There are parts of them, parts of me, that are emotionally stuck....bits and pieces that remain paused from that time that is commonly just known as "before". 

Tomorrow will mark an anniversary that none of us want, yet we all anticipate.  We feel so much leading up to the day; be it conscious anticipation or subconscious tidal waves of emotion.  We all have our internal struggles, our memories, our questions.  I am guessing we each have our own little processes, and yet, all too often, we don't really talk about it unless someone else brings it up.  It's almost as if we are afraid to remind one another of the loss we experience and yet we each know that each of us is thinking about it, or has thought about it, in recent moments.  Ironically, we seem to try to spare one another the hurt of our shared reality, knowing full well we are each submerged in some version of this lovely little thing called grief.  It's inane and silly and all too real.  Ripples in a pond....who knew they might last forever.

While every year is different, tomorrow marks another first for me.  I will not be with KK or Drew, while Moo is at school.  I won't be with friends to toast your life and your love.  Heck, I won't even be curled up on a couch reminscing.  I will be doing something I literally swore I would never do six years ago...I will be attending (actually HOSTING) our industry Gala.  I will be at the last event many of our friends ever saw you at...the one event that normally at some point in their day reminds them of you.  Those very same people, along with many new faces, will be my village tomorrow night, as many of them were in the months after you left.  I do not know what the day will bring, nor am I trying to predict the emotions that may arise;  at this point I am just allowing myself to be present in your memories, whereever and however they present.  I hope to honor you by living in the moment and moving forward in ways I never thought possible.

So, what of our children, who are not so little children anymore?  KK and Drew will be together (for which I am incredibly thankful), while Madi will be surrounded by her little tribe who love and adore her in their little Malibu beach house.  My heart will ache for times of the past, when we all were together and toasted you in one space;  if time presents, maybe a little facetime love session will be an option.  Just us...remembering you in a shared space in time.  As if we don't each remember you all the time on our own independent ways.  Funny how "anniversaries" of any kind take you to a common space (good or bad) simply because of the shared experience. 

As my random chatter continues to flow, I would be remiss if I did not make mention of your mom, Craig, my parents, the Benedetti's, the Draeger fam, and many others who will be thinking of you, missing your presence.  The grief that seems perpetual affects us all; so many more than even I know, but definitely more than you could have fathomed.  Your footprints on our hearts, and on this earth, are still present despite the time and space and change. 

You promised to love "always, no matter what" so many times, over so many years. 
You just never realized that those words would embody what so many feel for you still. 
As always, RIP EHB....forever missed, loved, remembered. 

12/06/2011

So many times over the last seven years, I have had impactful moments; some fleeting like a flash of lightening, while others hit like a tidal wave and the emotional wreckage is felt for days. Normally, the ebb and flow seems somewhat logical and explicable. Lately, this has not been the case. I feel a whirlpool of emotions that swirl, pull, drag and tug me back to the worst time in my life. A shadow of sadness haunts me, confusion abounds and I am at a loss as to why. I understand the emotional pings that occur when a song plays on the radio, a memory passes through or word of another tragic, senseless death occurs. These are part of our everyday norm and, while still painful, they are expected. The inexplicable….your name tied to my phone, when it never was even associated with it, and your name coming across our screen (this time showing that you called Madi), your old Draeger number pulling for me to dial, the overwhelming sense of pride in our children that immediately follows with sense of loss, while eerie and haunting, I can usually chalk them up to a bit of “faith” that still resides. However, right now, in this space, I sense you more and more lately. With so much time elapsed, so many years passed and so many changes that have occurred, whatever is left of you just sits on the fringe of reality in a way it has not in years. My stomach aches, my eyes fill with tears and I am just different; as sudden as it hits, it passes, but lately it never really leaves.

I write this not to induce sadness or feelings of pity, but to share the incredible impact of what sleep deprivation/mental illness/suicide/brokenness/tragedy leaves behind. The journey is literally never-ending, which may wax-poetic to some, irritate or annoy others, yet is a truth I can neither explain, nor deny. Most would look at my life now, look at our kids today, and think how well adapted, successful and/or “healed” we are. In fairness, all of those things are partially true. Each of us has grown, changed, thrived, even. We are, for the most part, happy. Amazingly “adjusted”. Some would say “admired”. And, yet…..well, that is the kicker; there is always an “and, yet…”. Tragedy changes you. It breaks you apart. Time, counseling, growth, hard work, life does heal you, but the scars are always there to remind us of the “before” and the “after”. And sometimes, I am finding, those scars can rip open again, for no rhyme or reason, and continue to change the person you were, the person you are and, even, the person you want to be.

I can absolutely attest that I am at a different place than I could have fathomed six years ago. I am feeling things so insanely different than six short months ago. I am admittedly somewhat lost, despite health, happiness, success, family, friends. Sleep Deprived? Sick? Depressed? No; thank God. Confused? Sensitive? Emotional? Yes, inexplicably so.

Time….you are a tricky beast. Love….broken, battered, changed, but never fully gone. Scars….healed, but ever present. Life…a journey with peaks and depths I never knew, nor understood.

Suicide….devastation, mass chaos, unimaginable pain. The moment that ones life is ended by suicide is often the beginning of brokenness for so many others. The grain of sand that moves mountains when it slides out of position, the pebble in the pond that creates ripples across the body of water, the first drop of rain in a hurricane. One moment in time, like any violent attack, than can never be unfelt.

If you, or someone you know, is struggling…beg, plead, force one more outreach for help. Talk, scream, rage, cry and do the hardest thing you have ever done...Try One More Time. And Another. And Another. Until it isn’t so hard to try. Until the sun breaks through the sky. Until hope returns. Until LIVING is the only option.

#YOUmattersomuchmorethanyoucomprehend
RIP EHB….for your story, your life, your impact

Tonight, in the comfort of a close friend’s home, amongst our Fit fam and the incredibly talented Christopher Williams (flown in from Nashville for this house concert), so many stories, in the gift of songs, reminded me of you. The appreciation for the lyrics in music that speak to one‘s soul resonated deep within. I don’t know why, nor do I question, the moments when your voice, or maybe the absence of it, speaks so loudly. I now try to just accept the presence, absorb the memory and send you a private cosmic message. Tonight, your presence loomed like it hasn’t in years, on the fringe of every song, like a whisper in the wind, bringing with it a flurry of memories. While never easy, the lost love of our past helps guide the present and the future. RIP EHB. Forever loved. Forever present.