Today, our baby turns 18. The beautiful, kind, empathetic, funny (oh, so damn funny), sarcastic, SMART boy is now a young man, or on his path to become one. He is going to do it HIS way and I don't know why I am still surprised by that, given that we helped make up his genetics, but darn it, once he carves his roadmap, he is sure stuck in the mud with it. Again, a dichotomy that is ever present in this life, as his fortuitiveness can be the makings of greatness and an easy way to crash and burn, if not accompanied by maturity. Knowing the Drew of the past 18 years, I look forward to watching his success blossom, once he gets out of his own way. Sometimes, I wish I would have reread "Raising Sons", the book we poured through when he was so very small, for more guidance. My way of parenting hasn't always been the "right" way, but it has been the way that was modeled for me, molded by me for the child, the situation, the personality, and updated by me, when I sought options and learned different ways and tried to be better. Some may "out-parent" me, but not many will ever "out-try" me. I certainly have done everything I could to be me, represent us, and keep "you" present. But, I digress, as this post is really about our incredible son.
Damn it if I don't miss that little boy and if looking back doesn't make bittersweet tears just fall...in a coffee shop, in another country. So, here I sit, like many parents before me, on the cusp of a somewhat "final" transition, my last baby, the one that completed our circle, is leaving the nest. With a pit in my stomach and tears in my eyes, I write this to you, as if somehow, you don't know and are expecting me to tell you. I do it out of love, obligation, therapy and a perpetual search to somehow stay connected to you and gain some insight and understanding to this journey that is our life.
Today, we will celebrate in Jamaica. Drew looks forward to this day as some sort of personal freedom into "adulthood", which in some ways, it is. In more ways than not, the path to becoming a "man" is so very much greater than the age of one's birth. For Drew, there were many ways that he had to "man-up" before his time due to losing you, his father, his influencer, his mentor. His path became far rockier, as I had to become both mom and dad, and quite frankly, I just don't measure up in the male influence department. He has been blessed with an incredible papa, the influences of amazing men, like Michael Benedetti, Craig & Darren, Uncle Tom, and, of course, Greg, along the way. But, the harsh reality, is that none of them are you, which is the man he is looking for during his times of struggle, his celebrationsof joy and lately, on random days in between. The mystery of who you would be, what your relationship would be like, etc., is a blessing and a curse and one that will live on forevermore for all of our kids, however it seems to be a more passionate point of contention for your son. I get it......but it sure is painful.
Drew is amazing and I can say this with free abandon, despite the fact that I am currently a manifestation of all that he is missing, by not having you. It's not his fault, your fault or even my fault....it just is. I am the punching bag for being the parent that remains. Don't get me wrong, Drew loves me and this family. But, at 18, I am annoying and frustrating and who he pushes. It is normal. It is part of the process. It just sucks. I look forward to a time when he enjoys me, as his mom, again, yet, that time is likely a couple of years away. He is worth it...all of it. His potential is truly unlimited and I look forward to him seeing the person in the mirror that so many of us see. A passionate beautiful soul, with so much to give to this world. I look forward to him growing up enough to accept the realities of this life, while still pursuing the dreams of his passions. I hope you always remain the hero of his heart, the "myth, the man, the legend", so to speak, despite it being both incredibly beautiful and undeniably hard. As we always said, just because something is hard doesn't mean it is not worth it. I wish your illness hadn't taken that from you and I pray that our children have somehow ingrained that in their hearts to help themselves, and others, during times of struggle. There is so much to be learned from losing you, so much value to take away from the tragedy in an effort to do better, and so much pain along with that truth. I saw this quote recently and think it is something I would like to leave for Drew today:
Strive to be a Warrior & a Scholar.
Be Forged in Fire & Tempered by Knowledge.
If not, you will
Lack the Courage to Fight for your Ideals
or Lack Ideals worth Fighting for!
Drew, like you, this quote is incredibly insightful and yet, blunt and forthright. Embrace it. Believe it. LIVE it....you have all the capabilities to be anything you want, so strive to be the best version of yourself possible. There is so much greatness in you. I love you with every fiber of my being and there is nothing to stop you from fulfilling your dreams. Soar, my baby bird, for you forever have a soft nest to return home to where Greg and I will be waiting. I love you. We love you. For infinity.
EHB - I prayed both last night, and this morning, for a sign (a rainbow with clouds would really help right now, just saying) or some guidance, for your son. For your daughters. For me. We are forever looking for it....today, on the 18th year of his birth, he really would love it. RIP. You are forever missed.
This morning, as I was texting the girls about our day and drinking coffee, I clicked on good ole Facebook and wham...a gut punch. Like a full on sucker punch. I know those reminders are often bittersweet, with our babies actually kind of resembling babies and all, but today...nope. Today was a photo from six years ago. A photo from a night I remember....partially well, partially not. It was a night we were going to the OMNI Poker Tournament. A few months before your death. When things were horrific, but somehow I thought they would still get better. 
