Eric Benner

Wow, I just realized how long it has been since I last wrote on here.  Crazy, to me actually.  It's not like you are not a part of a memory or conversation most days, but my driving force to write to you, to grieve here, to connect somehow, is not the same as it has been for the past five plus years.  I am not dumb enough to think this is "a thing", a "sign" or some new normal, since the minute I assume anything with regards to you, the grief associated with your loss, or anything else about this journey, I know I will be proven wrong. 

So, I just am sitting here surprised.  I think I am especially surprised becuase while in Italy, visiting your little girl (who is not so little anymore, just saying), I had a dream about you.  Not a sad dream or even a memory dream, but some randomly weird dream, where you were alive and some version of the "old you";  I assume we both worked for Bill, but that is an assumption because all I remember was that you wanted to go back and work at Draeger, for John (no other Draeger was involved).  In my dream you wanted to go back there because it felt right.  I think you did.  I don't really remember.  I just knew I woke up and thought that was so weird.  Then, my "rational, awake" mind wanted answers...how could you go back there? How would that have worked? I would still be working with Bill.  We would be working in the same field, with competetive companies, yet there was no feeling of resentment or confusion, just contentment that you were walking your path, I was walking mine and somehow, it worked.  Then, a bit more reality kicked in.  Wait, there is no Draeger.  Wait, Eric isn't here.  Ok....wait, I didn't dream of him gone, as in the past, but of him present, working along side me, but not with me.  Hmmmm....see, I wrote that it was weird. 

The dream faded from memory, I went back to sleep, awoke to the real world, where Greg and I, along with mom and papa, were in Italy, visiting Madi, who, while forever your little girl, is our big girl and we went along our day.  Aside from pondering the dream (and my weird transitions mentioned above) when I briefly awoke, I didn't talk about it, nor even remember it until today.  Jet-lagged, sleep deprieved, but somehow energized and so incredibly grateful for the trip, this life we live (with all it's ups and downs), my work, our children.....everything.  This is when you came to mind and when I thought how long it has been since I "talked" to you, which is always how I view what I do here.

Anyway, I logged on, and thought of that dream and realized that the way I felt in that dream is kind of how I feel now, living in this moment, raising our children, living this life.  Random, I know, and sort of "weird" like that dream. In the very brutal, real world, you are not present, nor a part of raising our children and working this life.  I don't do it alongside you anymore, in a physical sense.  We are separate and separated, but somehow I believe we walk a parrallel path, coexisting in different planes and "you" still remain.  Your memories, the loss our children still feel, and always will, the impact you made on those that loved you and the pain still associated with everything gone so terribly wrong....those parts of your story will forever be present.  It is our truth and I believe it is because you mattered so damn much. 

AND (I use that word now, instead of BUT, because it allows for both things I am saying to be true, without minimizing or negating either conceptually opposing viewpoint - wow, look at me; thank you therapy!)...sorry, I digressed. 

AND, at the same time, while we will forever be grieving, we are also growing.  Our children are not just ours anymore.  They are Greg's, too.  They have two bonus sisters.  They have other grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins.  They have more people to love and more people to love them.  They have good days and really crappy days.  They stuggle, fall down and fight back to excel.  They are growing up.  They are amazing.  They are incredible.  They are complete pains in the butt.  They are perfectly human, perfectly flawed and PERFECT, to me.  They are both EVERYTHING I could have wished for, and NOTHING like I imagined, and that, in itself, is so damn cool.  They are THRIVING, even with imperfections.  They have so much more to learn and discover and absorb.  They walk along side your memory, as do I, no longer stuggling to keep you "present", but accepting of the weirdness of your loss and all that has happened since then.  There will forever be an Eric size hole in the heart of so many, however as time often does, it has brought some healing.  The scar on our hearts will last forevermore, but maybe that is the point.  Scars remind you of your both the injury and the healing; a visible reminder of pain one often cannot see. 

Anyways, I just wanted you to know that while that dream was sill weird, so is this darn life, and that is ok.  I will take the weird, along with everything else, and fight for the best that each day can bring.  I hope you are doing the same, wherever you are, and I hope you somehow continue to walk alongside us, in whatever form that takes. 

With love,

Wen

Another chapter, of what I hope is a very long book, is closing.  Another 365 page opportunity starts tomorrow and this chapter, 2017, will be filled with change.  Trips, graduations, moves, etc., equals big changes, with twists and turns, and likely all the excitement one would want over the course of a novel or the journey of this lifetime.  I hope to experience each day with positivity and adventure.  I want to work hard, accomplish new goals, conquer old fears and inspire the change I want to see.  Lofty ambitions, but an open slate.  I am taking a step back tonight, just to begin the year how I hope to be, with a slower pace, a quieter time and a more relaxed tone. 

For our children, who are no longer really children, yet not quite full adults, I wish them a healthy, happy, exciting, fun, love-filled year.  I wish them all that I can put into words and all that I cannot.  I hope you continue to watch over them, be their guardian angel and guide them from above, while all of us that love them deeply try and support them here on earth.

RIP, EHB.  Happy New Year.

5 years....are you kidding me?  How can that be?  Honestly, it feels like a lifetime ago, and yet....and yet. 

Today is a different "annniversary" of sorts and I don't really know why.  Time?  Life?  Mind f*&$?  Maybe, it is simply that you are an existential part of our lives and that our "new normal" is now just our "normal".  At times, you feel like a fleeting memory, which feels like I have dishonored you somehow.  At other times, you feel so ever-present, that I feel it's unfair.  Two feelings, seemingly so opposite, co-existing in the same space...we have certainly learned that dichotomy is part of our lives now. 

I do not know what I can write that I haven't already written.  I do not have any new insight or words of wisdom.  I know that today is a day where everything comes a distant second to the three most amazing accomplishments of our lives, and that is our beautiful, amazing, damaged, hurt, angry, sad, happy, bad-ass, incredible children.  They are the best of us, with some of our flaws, but better in many ways than we ever were, at their respective ages.  I told them this morning that this is the 5th anniversary or calendar-reminder of the absolute worst day of our lives and that I pray they never experience anything that comes close to this experience again in their lifetime.  I say this because I want them to know that they have not only survived this atrocity, but thrived, despite it. 

You are always with them, in their hearts...their minds...their spirit;  I  pray that the best of you always stays there, alongside them, and that the demons you battled were taken with you.  I love your ghost  AND  I love them more.  You did, too, which is why I can type this without hesitation.  There is no greater love than the love of a parent for their child; thank you for teaching me that and giving me the gift of them.  As we head into our 6th Christmas without you, I pray (as I always do) that you are watching them with pride and awe because they surely deserve it. 

I wish you peace and love and heavenly wings, our angel above.  RIP EHB 12/06/2011

Heading into the time of Thanksgiving seems to bring out more emotional fragility than heading into the anniversary of your death in December.  THIS is something I could have never predicted, but a trend that has held true since our first year without you here.  Maybe it is because Thanksgiving really became "your" holiday, with the stuffing and the brineing and the everything...heck, I just did the struesseled sweet potatoes.  Maybe it's because it was the last holiday you were here.  Maybe it's because that last vacation, you were so clearly not "you" that our hearts were already broken and we just didn't fully realize.  Or maybe it is a thousand other things.  What is clear is that November, or more accurately, the time before Thanksgiving, seems to surprisingly knock us on our ass.  So far, it is hit Kait and wallopped Madi.  I don't really know about Drew....at 17, he is just not that into being my boy right now, and that is ok...it's his job to emotionally detach, as much as I hate it.  Me...I have my moments, my memories, my sadness, my anger, my regrets, my everything....it's called grief and it is a part of me foreever more, just like it is a part of every single person whom you touched or loved. 

There is a part of me than cannot believe or comprehend that this will be our sixth Christmas without you.  There is also a part of me that can barely remember the last one where you were present.  It's hard to remember certain nuances that made me laugh or drove me crazy and there are certain things that literally smack me in the face with a memory so clear and vivid, it feels like dejavu.  This journey has been a roller coaster and I really believe it is one I will never get off AND I am ok with that because I never want to forget the path that we took together....the good, the bad, the ugly, the horrific, because I loved you from the time I was as young as our oldest child is today and I will love you until the day I die. 

I wish it had been different AND I am also happy and healthy and thriving and in love. 
Two counter intuitive things, that seem complete opposites, coexisting in the same space. 
I will forever be grateful for OUR son teaching me that this was not only possible, bue perfectly acceptable.

RIP EHB. 

I don't know why it surprises me, but heading into my sixth year in our work-world without you present, you are sometimes still the legacy that prevails.  On one hand, that is pretty fricking cool.  On another, sometimes it's hard to be compared to your ghost.  Not that anyone actually could compare us, or what we do on a daily basis, however while you were never really submerged into my old "marketing" world, I am fully immersed into your old world.  While I do not do what you did, nor could I even come close, I do have my own specialties, my ever-increased knowledge base, my very expanded job responsibilities that go far beyond what I initially wanted, and maybe imagined, back when you were the "Benner", the "expert", the one who most considered "perfect".  Anyway, while I am immensely proud of the legacy you leave behind, sometimes living in your shadow is tough. 

That said, I need you to know, that I am really f'ing proud of where I am and what I have accomplished. and I want to thank you, and others for some of my growth.  I am honored for all you taught me along the way....even when I preteneded to ignore you, I apparently picked up a LOT.  I am thankful for Regan, the love she showed, the knowledge she imparted, and the push she gave me to bust out of my shell.   I am filled with gratitude for my BM Fr-Amily....Joe, Kerry, Jeff, Megs, Miguel, Rana and Bill.  Bill has empowered me to grow in ways I honestly could not imagaine.  Not because of a lack of ability, but because of your shadow.  He is my mentor, my friend, my boss, my conscience.  In him, I often see you, and I am so thankful for the relationship I have with him.  It is honest, fair, blunt, funny and makes me so much better in my professional life. 

I know this is kind of a weird letter, but after being at Westcon all day and remembering all your stories and feeling somehow inadequate because it used to be your world....I decided that it was time to stand next to your ghost, proud of all you accomplished, and kickass for all I am accomplishing now.  I don't have to compete with you...I never really could in the past, so why would I try now?  I just need to be me, continue to be humble, while gracious, and seek out as much knowledge as I can to best represent us BOTH.

RIP EHB

Wen